I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
