went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
