over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
