I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
