i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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