my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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