True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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