You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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