Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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