her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I need a burrito and a hug.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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