I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
