Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
