Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
