so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
