Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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