i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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