Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
