My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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