I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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