There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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