How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
