so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
