he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
