she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
