mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
