wake up i wanna do it froggy style
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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