Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
