I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
