im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
