We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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