let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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