his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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