someone threw a dead crab at me
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
