omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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