I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
