I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
