yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize