Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
