You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
