Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize