Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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