the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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