In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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