this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
