I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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