My hand turned me down
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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