I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
