How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
