my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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