my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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