we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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