Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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