do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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