so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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