i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
