Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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