Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
