May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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