You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
